NIGEL FARAGE holds out the hand of friendship to Boris Johnson – and the Prime Minister smacks him in the cakehole with a wet kipper.
The Brexit Party leader takes out a full-page ad in this newspaper offering an election pact with the Tories, and Downing Street briefs that Farage and his donor Arron Banks are “not fit and proper persons — they should never be allowed anywhere near government”.
Farage says let’s work together. And the Tories gob in his eye. I guess that’s a “no” then, Nigel.
Boris Johnson calculates that he does not need the help of Farage to secure Brexit. No doubt Boris also calculates that any kind of formal alliance with the Brexit Party would scare all those Brussels-loving Tories — and goodness knows there are plenty of them, even in the PM’s own family.
And yes, Boris needs to keep the Tories as a broad church rather than an ideologically pure sect. But Tory snobs calling Farage the devil’s spawn sounds suspiciously like David Cameron’s crack about Ukip being made up of “fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists”.
As Cameron learned, such disrespectful talk can come back to kick you in the goolies. More than five million people voted for the Brexit Party in the European Elections in May, making them by far the biggest party.
That is five million people who feel they have been totally failed by democracy. Five million people who have turned away from old tribal allegiances to Labour and Conservative.
Five million people who feel they have been treated like thick racist peasants by an establishment that openly despises them. Five million people who believe that Parliament has set itself above the will of the people. And when the general election finally comes, Boris and the Tories will desperately need those five million votes.
The future of this country will belong to the side of the debate that is most united. Jeremy Corbyn will end up on the doorstep of 10 Downing Street, gurning and waving like Albert Steptoe’s corpse, if those who fight for Brexit are more divided than those who want to abort Brexit.
Together, the Tories and the Brexit Party can bury Corbyn for ever. Divided, they give Corbyn and his drooling Marxist nutjobs the keys to 10 Downing Street.
This PM’s greatest cock-up has been spectacularly uniting the rabble alliance of Labour, Lib Dems, Greens and Scottish Nationalists. The Remain side is more united than it has ever been. Yet Boris strenuously resists forming the alliance that could finally get Brexit done.
Responding to Downing Street’s contemptuous knock-back, Farage said his new party could be Boris Johnson’s “best friends or worst enemies”.
Some voices urge Farage to put country above party and only target the Remain parties at a general election and not take votes from the Tories. But this would require a degree of trust in the Tories that, for the millions who support the Brexit Party, simply does not exist.
We are on our third Conservative Prime Minister since the EU referendum of 2016. Leaving the European Union feels further away than ever. Why should the Brexit Party stand aside for a Tory Party that has so conspicuously failed to deliver what it promised?
The bitter irony is that nothing kills Brexit faster than the Tories and the Brexit Party tearing chunks out of each other at a general election. It is not easy for Boris to get in bed with Nigel.
The Prime Minister leads a minority Government and can’t afford to have more MPs flouncing off in a giddy fit as they certainly will if Boris strikes any kind of formal pact with Farage.
And any deal Boris brings back from Brussels will never be a clean enough break for a true Brexit believer such as Nigel. But Farage and his party represent a real seething resentment that is now felt by millions of our people.
Boris ignores them at his peril. They are not fruitcakes, loonies and closet racists. They are decent working-class patriots who are sickened by our democracy-denying MPs.
They are disgusted by the way the establishment is using any means necessary to thwart the biggest vote for anything in British history. And make no mistake, the 5,248,533 who voted for the Brexit Party at the European Elections will drag themselves across broken glass to vote at the next general election, whenever MPs work up the courage to call it.
If you want to win, Boris, then you need them to vote for you. Because if their votes are split between Boris and Nigel, then what the country gets is Jeremy. It is a brutally simple equation. If the Leave vote is divided at a general election, then the death of Brexit will be the least of our country’s problems.
Strictly’s lacking chemistry
STRICTLY’S best kept secret is reported to be the Chemistry Circle – the saucy, hip-grinding, groin-thrusting sexy salsa performed behind closed doors before celebrities and pro-dancers get paired off.
The producers look for partnerships that will sizzle on screen. But this year’s pairings look as though they have been chosen to do exactly the opposite. Kevin Clifton, last year’s winner of both the Glitterball and Stacey Dooley’s heart, has been paired with 60-year-old Anneka Rice.
Katya Jones – who lost her husband in the last series, though not her smile – is paired off with BBC sports presenter Mike Bushell, 53, pictured above with Katya.
Mike, tipped to be the first celeb booted off, is a lovely bloke but I would not necessarily bet on him winning the Glitterball, or even getting a quick drunken snog with Katya.
Whatever happened to the Chemistry Circle? After all the scandalous excitement of the last series, Strictly’s producers seem to have imposed a vow of chastity.
House of the walking dead
SACKED Tory rebel Sir Oliver Letwin wants to create a “zombie parliament” by delaying a general election for a year. T
oo late, mate. Your kind has already turned Westminster into the house of the walking dead.
Johnson is a joke figure
JEREMY Corbyn is an appalling public speaker. All those shagged-out sound bites about the wicked rich delivered in that whiny voice, full of fake passion and confected outrage.
Nobody will stay awake long enough to start a revolution. But the one entertaining thing about a Corbyn speech is that he insists on calling the PM, “Johnson” – a popular slang name for the male genitals.
Corbyn’s endless “Johnsons” never fail to make me smile. And the use of “Johnson” is starting to really catch on among the comrades, who are wary of the matey familiarity of, “Boris”.
The Labour Party conference is going to be hilarious.
Same old story, 007
THE world of men’s fashion went into a swoon when Daniel Craig was pictured wearing trendy trainers with a dark suit.
“Chicly badass,” gasped GQ at Craig’s £510 Saint Laurent, skull-motif high tops.
“Making 007 trendy, one trainer at a time.”
There is definitely a trend for ageing stars to wear trainers with suits. Elton John matched a powder blue suit with white trainers at a Rocketman premiere. Gordon Ramsay, Boris Becker, Paul McCartney, Mick Jagger and Brian May have all sported the sneakers-and-suit look.
But they all look as cutting edge as any old bloke opting for comfortable footwear in his dotage. About as chicly badass as my grandad in his Hush Puppies.
FIREMAN Sam did not put my daughter off becoming a fire fighter any more than Dora The Explorer encouraged her to be an explorer.
Or Peppa inspired her to be a cartoon pig.
‘He’s a nauseating w****r’
IT would be unprecedented for a former Speaker of the House of Commons to not be elevated to the House of Lords.
But John Bercow has been openly partisan, allowing cowardly MPs too scared to face the public in a general election to seize control of Parliament. The preening windbag does not deserve to be called His Lordship when he steps down.
One Government insider said: “Bercow thinks he’ll walk away a hero when most people in the country don’t know who he is and those that do think he’s a nauseating w****r.”
Remember him this way.
Liv’s down to earth
GRACING the cover of American Vogue, Olivia Colman tells the magazine: “If someone doesn’t like me because of the size of my bum, they can f*** off.”
You tell ’em, Olivia! Colman won an Oscar for The Favourite, she plays the Queen in the next series of The Crown, she is a shoo-in to be a Dame one day and she looks at home on the cover of Vogue.
Yet unlike so many luvvies in her profession – Emma Thompson springs immediately to mind – Olivia still comes across as down to earth.
Perhaps that is because Olivia would rather talk about the size of her bum than climate change.
W**nk on hand to save penis
A WOMAN in America has been arrested for chopping off her husband’s penis. The case is being investigated by a Major Jason Wank.
MOST READ IN OPINION
“The motive is still being investigated by detectives,” said Major Wank.
Major Wank says his officers were called to a domestic disturbance at a home in Newport, North Carolina. The penis has been packed in ice and may yet be reattached.
So hope still exists for Major Wank.
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