KATHERINE Ryan has the perfect audition tape to host the Brit Awards after her opening speech at the TV Choice Awards.
The Canadian comic roasted a room full of celebrities on Monday with hilarious one-liners and withering put-downs.
Her main victim among the stunned famous faces at central London’s Hilton On Park Lane was Paul Hollywood.
Following the Great British Bake Off judge’s messy split from younger girlfriend Summer Monteys-Fullam after her refusal to sign a non-disclosure agreement, Kath said: “Bake Off is back but I can’t talk about it because Paul Hollywood has asked me to sign an NDA.
“All I can tell is that I love his chunky nuts and his whopping loaf, he gives great penetration on the drizzle and he doesn’t shy away from giving his lady friends a sogging.
“I’m joking, these are famous bake off innuendos I’m way too old to date Paul.”
She then got stuck into Strictly and the show’s infamous curse.
She joked: “Strictly has just started, which means a fresh crop of jilted exes will be acting surprised.
“As if you need to see it. Of course he’s cheating on you with the dancer wrapping her legs around his face five nights a week, babe.
“I would be disappointed with my husband if he didn’t cheat.
“They are young, they are bendy. Do they babysit? Do they put the washing on?
“If you’re gonna be banging my husband until Christmas you can at least take some of the housework off my hands while you’re at it. I say air it on the live shows with dramatic music. Bring out the family lawyers. Whose family assets will we be losing this week? Someone is losing a country house.”
Then she turned her attention to Love Island, to the horror of several of this year’s Islanders in the audience, including Maura Higgins.
She continued: “Hey, Love Islanders, is anyone still together? Which of you have got clothing lines and how many outfits can I buy for a pound?
“My ten-year-old daughter is looking for a job in a factory. Come clean – is Love Island just an experiment into the semi-effectiveness of the morning after pill? How has Molly-Mae (Hague) made Kim Woodburn’s hair look cool?”
Finally there’s a celebrity prepared to say how they really feel.
READ ON FOR SIMON BOYLE’S BIZARRE COLUMN
I THOUGHT I was a sore loser until I heard Piers Morgan’s rant after Good Morning Britain lost out to This Morning for the Best Daytime gong.
Before presenting the Outstanding Achievement award to Lorraine Kelly, Piers said: “I just want to say how thrilled I am for everybody at This Morning. If anyone loves you guys more than you love each other it’s me . . . Actually I don’t love you I hate you, you snivelling little b******s. Every time I come to these things I get told it’s our time and it’s never our time, it’s always their time. F*** you and f*** your awards.”
“We’re all part of one big happy family.’ Are we f**k!”
Someone get that man a pint and a box of tissues.
Boozing gong to Dan’s head
YOU can always rely on Danny Dyer to make the most of the free booze at an awards do.
The EastEnders hardman didn’t disappoint on Monday, after he was told by his publicist to “talk like a normal person” to avoid a repeat of previous party scraps. Of course, the actor got smashed anyway.
Picking up the gong for Best Actor, Danny (Mick Carter in the BBC soap) said on stage: “I’ve been told by the soap PR I’ve got to be not controversial, I’ve got to talk like a normal person. I’m very grateful for my life, I’ve made a lot of mistakes, well documented, but I’m a human being made up of many flaws, stitched together with good intentions. F***ing have it.”
And, indeed, he did. After sinking beers he appeared to get into a heated row backstage with co-star Danielle Harold, hairdresser Lola Pearce on Enders.
An onlooker claimed: “Danny was celebrating after his big win, but was slurring on stage after knocking back booze for three hours. He then rowed with Danielle before being bundled into a cab.”
I bet the hangover was a rager . . .
GREEN Day, Fall Out Boy and Weezer are teaming up for the Hella Mega Tour of stadiums around the world. They will play in Glasgow, London, Huddersfield and Dublin in June 2020. Get tickets on Friday next week.
What a Ballethoo
SPANDAU Ballet’s Martin Kemp has said the band will only tour again if former singer Tony Hadley has a change of heart and decides to rejoin.
It comes after they failed to find success when they replaced him with little-known vocalist Ross William Wild last summer, a year after Tony quit. Martin said on the red carpet: “Spandau, hopefully one day we’ll revisit it. Tony is the loveliest man . . . I’d love to do it again if he wants to make our paths cross.
“I don’t think it’s the end of Spandau. I would never call time on it.”
But Tony would. He ruled out a reunion for their 40th anniversary next year, saying: “It’s too late.”
A Wright turn-off
MARK Wright has risked being hounded by his former Towie castmates – and a good chunk of his neighbours in Essex – by slating girls with Botox and filler in their faces.
The presenter, wed to actress Michelle Keegan, said: “The more a girl looks ‘done’, with filler and Botox, the more I don’t fancy them. It’s so off-putting. Maybe when I was a 15-year-old I went for the Playboy look. But if I was in Spain and a Spanish girl walked past me, hair up, no make-up, that would be my taste in women. Even with big blow-dried hair I don’t fancy them. It’s such a put-off. No make-up is the best.”
He also revealed on his sister Jess’s Girls No Filter podcast: “I often worry about whether I’ve got hairy nipples on a photo.”
Each to their own . . .
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